I love this photo.





sometimes i wish i still had it within me to just scream out with the purest, freshest sense of anguish, frustration or fear, sorta like the kid in this picture. you'd think that after 19 years of existence i'd have found reason enough to want to rant and shout and scream and hate this world about, but i think a big part of the reason why im so emotionally constipated is because i can't identify with these emotions on the purest, most basic of levels anymore. gradually, sadness has melded with anger, fear with excitement, love with lust and so on so forth. with everything in big jumble, its not difficult for me to understand why im always such a mess when it comes to separating fact from fiction and logic from feeling. the latest emotional debacle that im facing is my inability to decide whether medicine's the path for me. i know for a fact that im choosing between studying medicine locally and going to the states to pursue a course in international relations and politics. i've tried weighing out the pros and cons on both sides but so far i've been able to shoot each side down with equal precision and zeal, because the crux of the matter (to me) is not one of logic, but instead something pure, primal and instinctual. i discussed it with a friend and realized that this really might be my final chance at pursuing an academic subject that truly interests me more than reading off charts and bar graphs and observing color change in titrated solutions (as a figure of speach, since you don't really do these things in medicine unless you're in the extremely boring and insipid field of research), having given up the opportunity once in secondary 2 and again in junior college. you know for a fact that something's wrong if you're reading your biology textbook on the magic of procreation(procreate |?pr?kr???t| verb [ intrans. ] (of people or animals) produce young; reproduce : species that procreate by copulation.) when suddenly all you feel like doing is acting in a Shakespearean play or scribbling down poetry about how the world could be a better place, or if you just felt like arguing for and against one of the UN's policies with yourself.

but the war i've fought in my head for God knows how long between science and arts and everything in between has carried on long enough. hopefully after this short, relaxing trip im taking i can put the whole issue out in terms i can finally understand and accept amicably, because in the war between fact and feeling there are no clear winners, only consolation prizes for everyone.