a friend told me today that im always disappearing. that's confirmation, that's what it is.

Last night while waiting to fall asleep(its like taking a queue number from the sandman), i started thinking about something which had been bugging me subtly for the last few weeks, possibly months. The kind of thing which never really seems as important as it should be and hence acts silently in the background, but when you do think about it, you're pretty taken aback and quite sure its going to affect your outlook on the very things that make your life what it is today.

Many people tell me I have too many friends, and that my attention is thus far too often spread out thinly amongst a great number of 'ok' friends instead of concentrating on my closer friends, if any. While not exactly derogatory in nature, the comment itself is a testament to what i discern to be a lack of a group of much closer friends whom I can comfortably divulge my innermost, darkest, dirtiest secrets without feeling overly scrutinized. I personally agree, and I've been trying to tag a cause to this effect as accurately as possible, though something like this can't be broken down and analyzed as simply as a math problem. I don't think it has anything to do with my personality (apparently i'm outgoing), but more as a self-defense mechanism which prevents me from getting too close to people. I don't feel comfortable knowing people that well and having others know me inside out, for less obvious reasons than me having a really, really nasty skeleton in my closet. There's a song which goes "You always hurt the ones you love", and i think it most accurately lends reason to why i don't enjoy developing relationships with people, and possibly why i choose instead to have a wide social circle as opposed to a group of close friends. Now some people are probably going "oh there he goes waxing on about how good he is by being bad", but i couldn't be arsed because i think this could very well be one of the suckiest reasons I've opened up the possibility of becoming a priest. It's really just another way of running away from the responsibility of building and maintaining beautiful relationships with people and there's nothing in that to be proud of. now im just worried whether this character trait of mine has had any deleterious effect on any of the current relationships i have with people, people i've met and grown to really care and love in the past 4 months in medical school.

i guess as an extension i don't see myself dating anytime soon because these realizations have conferred on me a much greater understanding of myself, such that i know i won't be able to provide a sense of security or an environment of trust, even a hand to hold (my skin melts to the touch of human hands, literally).

If i have for any reason at all, seemed aloof, distant, uncaring, unwilling or worse of all, if i have disappeared from anyone's life, it wasn't you.



It was always me.

Everyone, meet Slavegirl, my level 51 female Night Elf rogue. i remember posting something about her a year ago, and here she is again. not much difference in terms of level because of my 8 month hiatus during my glorious army daze (ha! pun!)

women with weapons - that has got to be the greatest turn on! (after nurse outfits, that is)
check out that bad ass sword and that fiery, glowing dagger! wow!!

i just came in from the storm.

standing on the porch while the torrential rain pelted my face and body felt so uplifiting, like being awaken from the emerald dream. it didn't matter whether i was rooted to the spot, jumping about or dancing on the flooded grass patch. it felt like i was snowboarding again, except i was very much grounded. nothing was blurred, just seated in renewed clarity and definition.

i've been missing my innocence for far too long now.

everytime i open my internet browser im brought straight to the Apple website (www.apple.com) where im treated to a bevy of drool-worthy techtoys, like the latest Macbook Pro range of notebooks. the latest range is pimped out with the Intel Core 2 Duo processor and a dual-layer DVD combodrive, while retaining much of the lustre it had when the first generation was introduced several months ago. im using the, uh, 2nd or 3rd revision of the macbook pro range, and while its not Core 2 Duo outfitted or DL dvd compatible, it still packs a solid punch and im not complaining. im just sore that this investment of mine is soon becoming obsolete. Leon the director uses a Powerbook G4 which would've set him back a good 4000 quid and less than 6 months after he bought it, the Intel range(MY range booyah) pops out and totally (and ruthlessly) rapes his notebook there and then.

well, not much of a reflection there. as i once told a reader of this blog, i blog only because i can't seem to reconcile my emotions in any other way. when everything seems to be too convoluted and i can't make any sense of it all, i blog, and i try to express the chaos in my mind as comprehensibly and succinctly as possible.

i feel really trapped, but i don't know what binds me.

like 2 of my friends, i really, really long to be free, and "just be". one of them, dreamy-eyed girl, wants to marry a cloud, and as embarrassed as i am to say this, i think i can understand where she's coming from, but i guess its really up to the different ways our minds are wired to interpret something as abstract as this.

To my dreamy-eyed friend who wants to be free, thank you for always filling my days with your smiles. may you find that cloud, and may it lift you from the shackles that you long to be free of.

i actually see many good conversation and blog topics go to waste within my MSN chat windows. this is further proof that i'm a social whore, and that external stimulation is necessary for anything to come out of me. i remember talking about all manner of things with people and thinking of blogging it only to find whatever controversial, enticing or provoking subject I initially wanted to talk about gone. i think its partly due to the fact that i suffer from ADD (attention deficiency disorder) which is normally characterised by a very short attention span. well its either that or a craving for attention. Well they're both as likely although the latter is sadly more true.

how can something be more true?

over the last month i thought i'd write whenever something significant transpired, and its not that nothing happened ( read: Oktoberfest, playhouse, hallplay, my ever colorful social life), but the sad truth is that i was actually waiting for something ELSE to happen, and in the course of waiting my sorry butt off i clean forgot the other things that happened to me. And its sad because these things should not and don't deserve to be overshadowed by whatever it was i mistakenly discerned to be of utmost importance that i let it wreck havok in other aspects of my life.

Now that i think about it im so glad i've got God on my side. I failed to notice that a lot of what He wants for us is manifested not in just the type of blessing He bestows on us, but when and where as well. This lesson was taught to me over my whole life but somehow i've managed to block it out of my head for the most part of my existence. Its denial my dears, and that's not just a river in egypt (that's got to be the NUMERO UNO of overused DENIAL lines in the existence of DENIAL lines). its because i always, always go for the unattainable, the undeserved, the forbidden. See, the thing about forbidden is that it has a rich history stemming from biblical roots and which has slowly evolved over time. Everyone knows about the apple, and then there was the ankle in early European society and then the nipple in the 21st century which naturally (and rightfully so) caught our attention.

so there i was, caught up in things i ought not to be caught in, and letting everything else crumble about me like flaky army crackers.

I know the big guy upstairs has my back cos whenever everything seems to be going wrong for me (and trust me, this is ENTIRELY possible and probable because im hopelessly cynical), i get a few lucky drops of lovin' and im swept by wave after wave of powerful and earth-shaking epiphanies. and each time that happens im reminded of His love for me and how that alone is enough to get me through my day. Though there hasn't been a single, momentous episode which impressed upon me the lesson He was meaning for me to learn all this while, the subtle, continuous prompting which came in the form of bible passages (some random some not), friends, quoteworthy phrases and some weird circumstances has been more than enough in getting me to understand. its like the summative effect of nerve impulses. you only get that coolio propagation after sufficient stimulation.

so, thank you, God, for that.

while i don't think im totally, 100% clear about what i want, i think im slowly getting there.