I love this photo.





sometimes i wish i still had it within me to just scream out with the purest, freshest sense of anguish, frustration or fear, sorta like the kid in this picture. you'd think that after 19 years of existence i'd have found reason enough to want to rant and shout and scream and hate this world about, but i think a big part of the reason why im so emotionally constipated is because i can't identify with these emotions on the purest, most basic of levels anymore. gradually, sadness has melded with anger, fear with excitement, love with lust and so on so forth. with everything in big jumble, its not difficult for me to understand why im always such a mess when it comes to separating fact from fiction and logic from feeling. the latest emotional debacle that im facing is my inability to decide whether medicine's the path for me. i know for a fact that im choosing between studying medicine locally and going to the states to pursue a course in international relations and politics. i've tried weighing out the pros and cons on both sides but so far i've been able to shoot each side down with equal precision and zeal, because the crux of the matter (to me) is not one of logic, but instead something pure, primal and instinctual. i discussed it with a friend and realized that this really might be my final chance at pursuing an academic subject that truly interests me more than reading off charts and bar graphs and observing color change in titrated solutions (as a figure of speach, since you don't really do these things in medicine unless you're in the extremely boring and insipid field of research), having given up the opportunity once in secondary 2 and again in junior college. you know for a fact that something's wrong if you're reading your biology textbook on the magic of procreation(procreate |?pr?kr???t| verb [ intrans. ] (of people or animals) produce young; reproduce : species that procreate by copulation.) when suddenly all you feel like doing is acting in a Shakespearean play or scribbling down poetry about how the world could be a better place, or if you just felt like arguing for and against one of the UN's policies with yourself.

but the war i've fought in my head for God knows how long between science and arts and everything in between has carried on long enough. hopefully after this short, relaxing trip im taking i can put the whole issue out in terms i can finally understand and accept amicably, because in the war between fact and feeling there are no clear winners, only consolation prizes for everyone.

what if the cayote caught the road runner?

behold, the magic of mixing a webcam, boredom and me! now that i've finally gotten my pink ic back, i feel the lull of boring civilianship descending on me slowly like moss. to occupy myself, i've taken to watching flicks like High School Musical, which, if I may add, stars an incredibly talented cast no older than myself. seriously though, it's really worth you're time if you intend to catch something worthwhile this week (make that ever) OH WHAT THE HECK, i love the show! i never thought i'd say it but it's true. there's something magical about a good musical and there's no denying it when you find yourself slowly but surely tapping your feet to the music and smiling when something nice/cute/sweet/unbelievably bimbotic but loveable happens between the male and female leads. btw the female lead is played by Vanessa Anne Hudgens, who incidentally happens to be my most delectable eye candy at the moment, so lay off.

there seems to be so much hype surrounding the upcoming Medicamp. my mailbox gets flooded daily by little quirks that future medicine/nursing students spam the yahoogroups with, like, "ooooh heehee i live in serangoon does anyone else live there haha i don't wanna take a bus lol please give me a lift!!"

ok. so its not SOOOOO exaggerated but the effect is there. its really getting on my nerves. when are they gonna start asking REAL questions? like who wants to join my 5 hours-a-day-study-group? or who wants to swap favourite medical textbooks? or is anyone interested in a game of mediscrabble??? i already feel out of place. i checked and i think that the numbers are horribly stacked against me. i only know 8 from njc going into medicine, and i've already worked out that a good 75% of the total medical population is going to consist of rafflesians and hcjcians.

i fear their unquestionable brilliance.

it was for exactly that reason(among others, like chinese) that i chose to go to SJI and NJC. oh well. it's kinda like one big circle where the thing you tried to avoid comes back one big round to bite you in the ass again.

this is unnerving.

blogging on my mac yields me a blogspot webpage without any way to change my font or style at all. and i thought they said macs were meant for lifestyle activities like this? but im not complaining. sometimes i feel that having no choice at all is the best choice for someone who can never make up his mind. its like being forced to make a choice between your girlfriend and your mother, or between getting married and buying yourself an RX-8 (courtesy of LTA Mahesh, Foxtrot wing, OCS)

so what else has been going on?? well i've finally disrupted from the army and even though i haven't been able to exchange my 11B for my IC, the fresh scent of freedom has already permeated my nostrils and i've finally managed to wraggle some time off my schedule to do the things i've always wanted to do. in fact, i've made quite a list (which has been abridged to spare you of unnecessary reading time)

1) i'd like to get that massage my BMT buddies and i planned so long ago but never got down to doing so. some mediterranean massage administered by an exotic masseuse somewhere on the island of bintan.

2) i wanna meet up with all the people who are leaving the sunny singaporean shores and heading on to greener pastures. that would be quite a lot of people. that would take me quite some time. time is something i have now.

3) i wanna learn how to bake properly. now it might seem quite... sexually confusing for a guy to want to bake, but i really, really need to perfect that cheesecake recipe, if not for a cheaper alternative to buying real, edible birthday cakes, then just to satisfy my own cravings every now and then (give or take every 3 hours)

4) i want to settle my driving license now because there is a spare car at home most of the time and it would save me millions(i exaggerate) on my EZlink card top up's every other week. plus, i'd be a hit with transportation-less chicks!!!

5) i want to get laid.

6) i want to star in a musical (first i need to learn how to sing properly)

(no. 5 was meant to add some volume to my list and is entirely untrue. its just that a list of 4 or 5 doesn't seem like very much for someone to do in 4 whole weeks. plus, its very, very normal for any NS personnel to feel strong, undeniably lascivious motivation whether they're in the army or not)

DID YOU KNOW that i managed to secure a photograph with SIEW WOON from SINGAPORE IDOL?!? my platoonmate brought her for social night and she kindly offered to take a photo with me like a souvenir. well, it was either a photo or an autograph on my left buttcheek so we all more or less know the likely outcome.