yeah. so.....

i've been having these mood swings of late. i don't know if its something i could associate to the horrible, undulating amounts of stress school's been putting me through, but i guess its a combination of that plus me wanting to just GET THIS STUPID THING OUT OF MY HEAD. its like one of those things that just bugs you over and over and over and over and over again even though you believe you think you thought you willed it out so long ago!


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gosh if i had some kind of giant ray gun that could zap horrid (but sexy all the same) images out of my head i'd have fried my brains a long time ago. yes. such is the nature of the thoughts that have been running through my little head. but more than just tight, cute nurse outfits and the occasional french maid get up, im actually really concerned about the outcome of my latest debacle and where its leading me to. im sorry i can't elaborate more over the internet, not really the safest place to divulge your deepest, darkest thoughts and wishes.


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so i was arguing with a female friend over her choice of guys when she aggressively pushed the topic back towards me.

XX: "ok, since you're so smart, who's YOUR type then!??"

Me: "well i... you know the kind that....really, really big b....nice perky n.... " (awkward silence follows thereafter)

(in case you were wondering, i was thinking B for BRAINS and N for NOSE.)

So i couldn't answer her, because i really didn't know. some of my friends believe that everyone has a template of some sort, for that more than perfect significant other, and those who say they don't are liars who deserve to burn in the darkest abyss of the fiery chasms of hell. i personally think they just can't deal with the fact that not all of us compare the people we meet with the stereotypes we've been brought up to exalt, but who's to tell. we're all guilty of it to some extent, and i for one, will not deny that i too am drawn by the occasional pair of big, beautiful, breath-taking eyes. (harhar) there's this classmate of mine who sits in the front row with me and she's got the nicest, most alluring eyes ever! not in a normal way (big, clear and shiny), but in this charming, sleepy, sexy way. i still can't think of what i'd like most in a girl (can you?). now i've been attracted to quite a few girls in my 19 years of existence, and i honestly can't say i find anything common in any of them. i can think of a quite a few reasons for that: the time, place, and my state of maturity. so based on this theory, and the assumption that i mature with age, then it is safe to postulate that over the course of my life i will be attracted to a ballerina, a plain jane, a prom queen, a nun and a chef (hey, that's how my brain works, don't judge me!) i'll probably think of a really good reason for each of those choices, but i can't now cos im only 19, and i expect to find them drop-dead gorgeous at different periods of my life. RIGHT NOW, however... heh heh.


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i guess one of the reasons im experiencing the effects of this hormonal cocktail could be associated to ... very ... male desires... but its complicated, so very complicated i'd very much prefer to avoid the issue altogether. (its almost as complicated as being attracted to a nun, which i find really disturbing in all honesty) A lot of those who know me know about this priest business of mine. i think i should set the record clear once and for all. its not that i want so, so, so much to be a priest in the future. its just that having met and seen so many of these religious people in the course of my secondary and junior college education has led me to believe that their work really is Godly in all its beauty. Not necessarily churchly, but Godly, because they reach out to people in their own way and give so many students inspiration and hope, at the same time preserving their very own unique personalities and dispelling the notion of how Godly people have to be innocent(this word is iffy, and used with a lot of uncertainty), clean, conservative and boring. I've found a lot of admiration for people like Bro Micheal and Dominic Ang because they're unafraid of taking religion by the hooves and tackling issues from very mature, meaningful and humorous points of view, and yes, i've always wondered what it'd be like if i could live my life like them; a life dedicated to God but executed in a very human manner. i've always turned to God for direction and hope, and if being a religious means i can get this direction and help others find it then i'd be more than willing to take up the vocation. Now for the crux of the matter.

i really, really like women.


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Yeah, so what's with the fruit? well, i can draw many parallels from my current predicament to the story of the forbidden fruit. you want to taste it but you know so, so well you can't. because its just wrong, its just plain mean to even entertain the thought!! hey, before anyone starts thinking i've got a thing for married and/or attached men(ugh) or women, perish the thought, cos i'd never do anything like that. its something that hinges on something more meaningful than petty ambitions to be the dominant, alpha male or whatever.

but i can't put it in words.

because i don't dare to.

so there Prof Kaur was trying to explain the contents of bone tissue, and i found myself spacing in and out every 5 minutes. is that even possible? for one to have an attention span of 5 minutes?

Prof Kaur: "so what we have here is the chondroblast...."

me: (nod, blink, nod)

Prof Kaur: "and right beside it here we can see the chondrocyte, which has a slightly...."

me: "wow i'd really like a waffle right now. hey, does anyone else want a waffle? you know the ones they sell in the canteen are pretty neat. those little squares of delectable pleasure... oh gosh i need my waffle. hmm? no i don't think the waffle goes well with coffee, then again the coffee..."

Prof Kaur: "take note of this for the exams, because ...(at this point i only seem to hear a weird amalgation of glottal noises) grunt grunt mumble spit"

me: "yeah i think i'll get a waffle. but the queue is always so long, and by the time i get there they'd be out of waffles. maybe i'll just settle with a donut, you know the ones they sell at the drinks stall. yeah i'll do that. a donut sounds great. hot damn i just ate a donut yesterday!! i can't eat another one now! you know what they say, one second on your lips, forever on your hips! ok ok no donut and no waffle"

Prof Kaur: "And that's all i have for you today. Thank you for your attention."


(In the anatomy hall, where im having my anatomy tutorials on the upper limb (the arm for the rest of us))

Prof WC Wong: "I beg your pardon? No, the axillary vein does not run through the axillary sheathe, most definitely not! Over here if we look at the humerus from the anterior aspect, we can clearly see the position of where the long head of the biceps attaches itself...."

me: "oh gross. i think i stepped on to some formalin!! (read: the stuff they use to preserve cadavers)"
note: formalin doesn't seem to evaporate, so it stays at the bottom of my shoe, forming a slimy, viscous coating which squelches everytime i drag my shoe across

Prof WC Wong: "Now, can someone tell me the 4 muscles associated with the rotator cuff?" ..... etc etc

Me: "hey XX (one of my classmates, can't remember who, there are just too many of them and they all wear spectacles and have chinese names, but so do i.) remember how the seniors always warned us about the smell of formalin, especially the first time we get to inspect cadavers? you know what? i was so prepared for something that would've knocked me out, but when i stepped into this hall, i realized it smelled exactly like the hospital ward! this doesn't bode well for anybody, because it means that hospitals carry a characteristic smell.... the smell of death!!", as i pull my face into a contorted shape.

XX: "..."


Well there you have it. something in the day of a medical student's life. note though, that most medical students aren't like me, oh actually i should rephrase that the other way around. no, no, no, its true, most medical students are really, really hardworking and pay attention in lectures and count calories at every meal, carry 2 textbooks everywhere they go and have common boyfriends/girlfriends by the name of Snell or Moore or some other generic textbook author. Therefore you should trust them when you're bleeding and vomitting and counting your fingertips after they've been separated from your fingers, because, well, they really know their stuff.

so most of my friends have left now. that's Francine, Daphne, Cynthia, Andrew and Serene today. As i was driving by the american embassy i caught sight of this poster advertising a US College fair on the 1st of October. When i saw it it drove really, really strong emotions down my spine. just last year i would've jumped at the opportunity to attend one of these fairs to get a glimpse of what life was going to be like overseas, and talk to the students who were studying the courses i would've loved to take, maybe relish a little of the life i thought i was going to lead in another 2 years. and here i go again bringing the whole university thing up. thomas you're such a dumb ass. but then, have i truly given up that dream?