yeah. so.....

i've been having these mood swings of late. i don't know if its something i could associate to the horrible, undulating amounts of stress school's been putting me through, but i guess its a combination of that plus me wanting to just GET THIS STUPID THING OUT OF MY HEAD. its like one of those things that just bugs you over and over and over and over and over again even though you believe you think you thought you willed it out so long ago!


FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT


gosh if i had some kind of giant ray gun that could zap horrid (but sexy all the same) images out of my head i'd have fried my brains a long time ago. yes. such is the nature of the thoughts that have been running through my little head. but more than just tight, cute nurse outfits and the occasional french maid get up, im actually really concerned about the outcome of my latest debacle and where its leading me to. im sorry i can't elaborate more over the internet, not really the safest place to divulge your deepest, darkest thoughts and wishes.


FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT


so i was arguing with a female friend over her choice of guys when she aggressively pushed the topic back towards me.

XX: "ok, since you're so smart, who's YOUR type then!??"

Me: "well i... you know the kind that....really, really big b....nice perky n.... " (awkward silence follows thereafter)

(in case you were wondering, i was thinking B for BRAINS and N for NOSE.)

So i couldn't answer her, because i really didn't know. some of my friends believe that everyone has a template of some sort, for that more than perfect significant other, and those who say they don't are liars who deserve to burn in the darkest abyss of the fiery chasms of hell. i personally think they just can't deal with the fact that not all of us compare the people we meet with the stereotypes we've been brought up to exalt, but who's to tell. we're all guilty of it to some extent, and i for one, will not deny that i too am drawn by the occasional pair of big, beautiful, breath-taking eyes. (harhar) there's this classmate of mine who sits in the front row with me and she's got the nicest, most alluring eyes ever! not in a normal way (big, clear and shiny), but in this charming, sleepy, sexy way. i still can't think of what i'd like most in a girl (can you?). now i've been attracted to quite a few girls in my 19 years of existence, and i honestly can't say i find anything common in any of them. i can think of a quite a few reasons for that: the time, place, and my state of maturity. so based on this theory, and the assumption that i mature with age, then it is safe to postulate that over the course of my life i will be attracted to a ballerina, a plain jane, a prom queen, a nun and a chef (hey, that's how my brain works, don't judge me!) i'll probably think of a really good reason for each of those choices, but i can't now cos im only 19, and i expect to find them drop-dead gorgeous at different periods of my life. RIGHT NOW, however... heh heh.


FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT


i guess one of the reasons im experiencing the effects of this hormonal cocktail could be associated to ... very ... male desires... but its complicated, so very complicated i'd very much prefer to avoid the issue altogether. (its almost as complicated as being attracted to a nun, which i find really disturbing in all honesty) A lot of those who know me know about this priest business of mine. i think i should set the record clear once and for all. its not that i want so, so, so much to be a priest in the future. its just that having met and seen so many of these religious people in the course of my secondary and junior college education has led me to believe that their work really is Godly in all its beauty. Not necessarily churchly, but Godly, because they reach out to people in their own way and give so many students inspiration and hope, at the same time preserving their very own unique personalities and dispelling the notion of how Godly people have to be innocent(this word is iffy, and used with a lot of uncertainty), clean, conservative and boring. I've found a lot of admiration for people like Bro Micheal and Dominic Ang because they're unafraid of taking religion by the hooves and tackling issues from very mature, meaningful and humorous points of view, and yes, i've always wondered what it'd be like if i could live my life like them; a life dedicated to God but executed in a very human manner. i've always turned to God for direction and hope, and if being a religious means i can get this direction and help others find it then i'd be more than willing to take up the vocation. Now for the crux of the matter.

i really, really like women.


FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT FORBIDDEN FRUIT


Yeah, so what's with the fruit? well, i can draw many parallels from my current predicament to the story of the forbidden fruit. you want to taste it but you know so, so well you can't. because its just wrong, its just plain mean to even entertain the thought!! hey, before anyone starts thinking i've got a thing for married and/or attached men(ugh) or women, perish the thought, cos i'd never do anything like that. its something that hinges on something more meaningful than petty ambitions to be the dominant, alpha male or whatever.

but i can't put it in words.

because i don't dare to.