it's become a habit for me, that before i blog, i take part in my pre-blog constitutional, which consists of me unbuttoning my shirt (if i'm wearing one) and unzipping my trousers to let the creative juices flow (not that way, it's figurative.) i listen to the tunes of some random soundtrack from my music library and i think about what means the most to me right there and then.

there's something which has been bothering me completely, unforgivingly and hatefully, and i couldn't find out why it affected me so much or why i felt so strongly about it. was it the lack of answers i sought? or were there too few pieces of the puzzle that prevented me from seeing what i needed to see? or was i just unhappy with what i saw even though it was the whole picture? well i don't know. i'm just mortified that i've been bothered by it for so, freaking long. but today, after months of futile processing, i've decided, and rightfull so, to lift it up entirely to God.

A friend whom i thought i was close to has been avoiding another friend and I for a really long time now. Usually i wouldn't make anything of it, because scary and superficial as it sounds, I think I've always felt confident that there'd be another group of friends I could just as easily click with. I know, i know, it sounds horribly overconfident of me and quite bastardly too, but i think it really was how i felt on a very deep level that went beyond a subconciousness i thought i had figured out. It is, in fact, a side of me I am ashamed of and if it's the reason my friendship never worked out with anybody, i'm really, really sorry. I'd do something about it if i could, and i believe that when the time comes, i will. maybe that's why i always seemed to glaze pass people, giving others the impression that i was "everywhere" and never really grounded or committed to anything. And yet with this friend's slow but certain drift, i could feel a sense of desperation and anxiety welling up inside me, something i don't quite think i've felt before. Because of this i began thinking and asking myself a lot of questions, like who are these people i call my friends? what have i done to deserve their friendship? what kind of person am I? it got me realizing that I don't put in enough effort into a lot of relationships, and that my brand of realizing a friendship didn't work well with a lot of people. i expected too much out of friendships and when i didn't get the reciprocation i thought i needed, i either walked away from the friendship, or let it drift away on its own. out of a twisted sense of pride or warped brand of logic, i'd rationalize myself out of the rut. it was really stupid of me. i still don't know what to do about this trait of mine, because i'm confident i've felt a sense of realization close to but not as exact or precise as this epiphany of mine, and i've acted on it before but because i never took the time to think it through, i never found out what it was. i'm taking this lenten season to try to go back to God and pray for some answers to these pressing issues, maybe find my feet as i've always talked about.

this friend of mine, well, i know i haven't put in enough, but at the same time, i believe there are some things at play here that truly are beyond my control, like the path my friend chooses to take at the end of it all. well, X, we miss you but we can't choose your friends for you, and we certainly don't have the right to do so either. i think we all made a bad choice behaving the way we do but at the end of the day, I really can't justify enough (even for myself) why you felt that way and why you chose to walk away because of what they said about you. it was so, so childish, even by my standards. and i guess i haven't done enough myself to understand or comment objectively.

i don't want to come across as angsty, because i'm really not. i just think i've found God again in my own flaws and I really want to get my life back on track. The past few months have been a real blur to me, months of following and mindless routine. but now i want to blaze a trail of my own, and I'm just glad to have found God again in the process.