i actually see many good conversation and blog topics go to waste within my MSN chat windows. this is further proof that i'm a social whore, and that external stimulation is necessary for anything to come out of me. i remember talking about all manner of things with people and thinking of blogging it only to find whatever controversial, enticing or provoking subject I initially wanted to talk about gone. i think its partly due to the fact that i suffer from ADD (attention deficiency disorder) which is normally characterised by a very short attention span. well its either that or a craving for attention. Well they're both as likely although the latter is sadly more true.

how can something be more true?

over the last month i thought i'd write whenever something significant transpired, and its not that nothing happened ( read: Oktoberfest, playhouse, hallplay, my ever colorful social life), but the sad truth is that i was actually waiting for something ELSE to happen, and in the course of waiting my sorry butt off i clean forgot the other things that happened to me. And its sad because these things should not and don't deserve to be overshadowed by whatever it was i mistakenly discerned to be of utmost importance that i let it wreck havok in other aspects of my life.

Now that i think about it im so glad i've got God on my side. I failed to notice that a lot of what He wants for us is manifested not in just the type of blessing He bestows on us, but when and where as well. This lesson was taught to me over my whole life but somehow i've managed to block it out of my head for the most part of my existence. Its denial my dears, and that's not just a river in egypt (that's got to be the NUMERO UNO of overused DENIAL lines in the existence of DENIAL lines). its because i always, always go for the unattainable, the undeserved, the forbidden. See, the thing about forbidden is that it has a rich history stemming from biblical roots and which has slowly evolved over time. Everyone knows about the apple, and then there was the ankle in early European society and then the nipple in the 21st century which naturally (and rightfully so) caught our attention.

so there i was, caught up in things i ought not to be caught in, and letting everything else crumble about me like flaky army crackers.

I know the big guy upstairs has my back cos whenever everything seems to be going wrong for me (and trust me, this is ENTIRELY possible and probable because im hopelessly cynical), i get a few lucky drops of lovin' and im swept by wave after wave of powerful and earth-shaking epiphanies. and each time that happens im reminded of His love for me and how that alone is enough to get me through my day. Though there hasn't been a single, momentous episode which impressed upon me the lesson He was meaning for me to learn all this while, the subtle, continuous prompting which came in the form of bible passages (some random some not), friends, quoteworthy phrases and some weird circumstances has been more than enough in getting me to understand. its like the summative effect of nerve impulses. you only get that coolio propagation after sufficient stimulation.

so, thank you, God, for that.

while i don't think im totally, 100% clear about what i want, i think im slowly getting there.