its that time of the year again. but instead of writing about stress which is something common to all of us, i guess i'll just write about what wj was talking to me about (well, not exactly what we were talking about but what came to my mind after that). its not very believable when i tell people that i censor myself, and that's no one's fault either because i have a mouth the size of texas (thank you for that queer sling, tousif!). but if anything, if i could say anything at all about things which i mean to say but don't, it would be just as wj guessed it was - fear. but not any kind of fear. its the kind of fear that eats at you from inside like a festering disease, and you don't know it exists until later in life (age-related penetrance). im afraid, and i'm being extremely candid, that once you say something, it increases the chances of it being true, a fact, something undeniable. and that's why i won't say it out explicitly, because i don't really want some things to be true, to be undeniable facts because then i'd be vulnerable to even more judgement; from others or from myself. its like a feeling right at the tip of your tongue, a nice, fluttering, euphoric one, like having an immense crush. there's a magic to that emotion that gets smothered when you put it out in words. you keep it to yourself and it builds a bed of soft, tender roses you can throw yourself on whenever, wherever, deep inside yourself - like a haven of sorts. but when you say it, when it comes out in all its beauty or ugliness, then its open to criticism and pressures from other sources of influence. you're opening it to a myriad of things; greater cultivation of that majestic feeling, or its impending doom. but that's weakness in a very debilitating form, because you're maimed by your own reluctance to be honest with yourself, choosing instead to ride on a cloud. well i'll be damned if i stay in a rut like that forever. a bit of that honesty came out a while back when, in a rare moment of candour, i told someone how i felt. and it turned things around for the better. and better yet, God was there when it happened.

i went for mass again today. just like a week ago, listening really does wonders. the week before it was about reconciling myself with God and the people around me. I truly surrendered myself that day, because everything seemed to be so overwhelming, and after mass a flood of well wishes and warmth came my way from people i least expected it from. and God promises to walk with us as we carry our cross. We're not alone. None of us are. And the struggles we go through are good and justified because they're all part of His plan for us, of something bigger. with the biggest, nastiest exams just around the corner, you have no idea how comforting those words were.

Can i believe that i'm meant for greater things? Can i leave everything in His hands? Can i love like i've never been scarred before?





yes, i think i just might.







If I Could Be Like That - Three Doors Down

He spends his nights in California
watching the stars on the big screen
then he lies awake and he wonders
why can't that be me
cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions
he's left a lot of things
he'd rather not mention right now
but just before he says goodnight
he looks up with a lil smile at me
and he says

CHORUS
if i could be like that
i would give anything
just to live one day in those shoes, if i could be like that
what would i do, what would i do