Last night while waiting to fall asleep(its like taking a queue number from the sandman), i started thinking about something which had been bugging me subtly for the last few weeks, possibly months. The kind of thing which never really seems as important as it should be and hence acts silently in the background, but when you do think about it, you're pretty taken aback and quite sure its going to affect your outlook on the very things that make your life what it is today.

Many people tell me I have too many friends, and that my attention is thus far too often spread out thinly amongst a great number of 'ok' friends instead of concentrating on my closer friends, if any. While not exactly derogatory in nature, the comment itself is a testament to what i discern to be a lack of a group of much closer friends whom I can comfortably divulge my innermost, darkest, dirtiest secrets without feeling overly scrutinized. I personally agree, and I've been trying to tag a cause to this effect as accurately as possible, though something like this can't be broken down and analyzed as simply as a math problem. I don't think it has anything to do with my personality (apparently i'm outgoing), but more as a self-defense mechanism which prevents me from getting too close to people. I don't feel comfortable knowing people that well and having others know me inside out, for less obvious reasons than me having a really, really nasty skeleton in my closet. There's a song which goes "You always hurt the ones you love", and i think it most accurately lends reason to why i don't enjoy developing relationships with people, and possibly why i choose instead to have a wide social circle as opposed to a group of close friends. Now some people are probably going "oh there he goes waxing on about how good he is by being bad", but i couldn't be arsed because i think this could very well be one of the suckiest reasons I've opened up the possibility of becoming a priest. It's really just another way of running away from the responsibility of building and maintaining beautiful relationships with people and there's nothing in that to be proud of. now im just worried whether this character trait of mine has had any deleterious effect on any of the current relationships i have with people, people i've met and grown to really care and love in the past 4 months in medical school.

i guess as an extension i don't see myself dating anytime soon because these realizations have conferred on me a much greater understanding of myself, such that i know i won't be able to provide a sense of security or an environment of trust, even a hand to hold (my skin melts to the touch of human hands, literally).

If i have for any reason at all, seemed aloof, distant, uncaring, unwilling or worse of all, if i have disappeared from anyone's life, it wasn't you.



It was always me.